“Perhaps that’s wise.”  I heard these words in response to a suggestion of mine on how to handle a situation.  I can’t honestly think of any other response I would have liked to hear more.

“I turned off my computer and put my head in my hands.  And in the sudden quiet of the dark apartment - the blue screen extinguished, the radiator hissing, my 8-year old sleeping - I noticed death and life sitting quietly beside me, waiting for my attention.

Oh, who wouldn’t want to look away?  The cell phone rings, another American Idol is belting it out, the war is on, and the glittering Web Sparkles like the Milky Way in a box - promising that if I keep clicking and clicking, I might finally get to what I long for, to the message, the rug, the T-shirt.  I will move beond suffering and beyond the limits of my money and my story and life.

This might be the most difficult task for us in postmodern life: not to look away from what is actually happening.  To put down the iPod and the e-mail and the phone.  To look long enough so that we can look through it - like a window.”

“In two small, unconscious moments, I said, without hesitation, ‘Yes.’  After those affirmatives, everything changed.  I found a side of myself I’d never known…I believe such illumination comes if you’re open to the surprises the universe throws at you.  You must be able to let go of the past, whatever success you may have seen, whatever your comfort, whatever your habits.  To me, that’s the key to loving life: Enabling yourself to step bravely into the unknown.  Only there will you find yourself again.”

This is what Juliette Binoche, the actress from Chocolat discovered after a chance conversation led her to take a year’s hiatus from acting to study dance with a world renowned choreographer.  I’m not suggesting that we all quit our jobs just to try something new (although it’s had pretty good results for me and Juliette), but just to be open and available to what is outside your current realm of knowledge and understanding.  To limit ourselves to what we know, is to shrink our existence to a fraction of what it could be.  When we start thinking we have everything figured out, we miss out on some of the greatest opportunities and experiences.

I feel like a needy little girlfriend right now.  Like a puppy dog, I’m running after my new boss, throwing everything out there, desperately trying to win approval.  Only, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that he probably doesn’t appreciate needy or desperate.  I’m so worried about proving myself, I might end up proving something entirely different than what I had planned.  Deep breaths, hold back.  What I need to do is use this time to continue to develop myself in every facet possible.  So I’m going to yoga this morning, to have the opportunity to hone my teaching skills.  That’s facet number one I’m focusing on.  It’s not good enough to just know what the skills are, I need to possess the skills myself.  I thought teaching would be so easy, and it’s not.  It’s incredibly difficult.  The only feedback you get from your students during the class is scrunched-up-face-death-to-you looks.  It’s rather unsettling.  Until I remember my days as a student, and the worse the looks I gave the teacher, the more I enjoyed the class.  Well, if not the class, then at least how I felt afterwards.  I want to give that to other people, it’s just going to mean stepping way out of my comfort zone.

Ok, I’m officially and completely freaked out by the economy right now.  I mean, the latest posting on Yahoo talks about more banks closing and how not to lose your money.  What?  Lose my money?  It’s about enough to make a girl clean out her bank accounts and stuff the money under the mattress.  Seriously.  I have a stupid ARM mortgage, which is honestly the least of my concerns, but it’s just one more thing to worry about.  What about all of my retirement savings?  After I read that article, I checked the balance, and wouldn’t you know, it’s down 5000 bucks.  I know, family, I know, there is the PPP, but I can’t even figure out how to set up a whatever kind of account I’m supposed to set up, mainly because of that stupid medallian level notary public signature thing I need because of the whole name fiasco.  Which, of course, I have procrastinated on doing anything about because I really don’t know the first thing about investing.  Bull market, bear market.  The only thing I know about bulls is that they are big scary animals who chase you if you’re wearing red.  And even though I’ve been a responsible, money saving citizen up until this point, I really have no clue if I’m going to end up with anything to my name by the end of this cycle.  I’m sure I could take a class and try and learn, but the second I start reading or listening to this kind of stuff, my mind immediately wanders to something more interesting like, did I remember to put on deoderant today?  Or, I wonder what Grandpa Bob’s sleep schedule is today?  Maybe I should call and find out….and then the next thing you know, my eyes have traveled across pages of important material and I can’t remember a thing I’ve just read.  Can I trade some yoga sessions for some financial sessions or something please???   This is like taxes to me…only, it’s not $50 or $100 we’re talking, this is like, well, a lot of money I stand to lose.  And I have no clue about how to hold on to it.  Someone, anyone?  Jon Boy?  You’ve got your financial blog, maybe you can start like a beginner page or something.

I called the restaurant today and it’s my third week in a row without any shifts on the schedule, which in Nikko-speak means that I’m not getting any more shifts ever unless I go in and talk with the owners about getting back on the schedule.  It would be easy enough, I didn’t get fired, its more like the job and I phased each other out.  I think it’s for the best.  I know I can go back anytime I’m serious about working again, and right now I’m definitely not feeling very serious working there, so I think I should just let it go for now because when doors close, doors open.

I was supposed to start marathon training a month ago, but had been failing miserably.  It’s ridiculously hot and steamy in Charlotte, so basically the only time to run is early morning or late in the evening.  Plus, I start work at 6am, and I am definitely not a morning person, so a 5 mile jog before 5am just ain’t happening.  And then, in the evenings, well, there’s pretty much always a party, which of course just makes the idea of a morning run that much more unpalatable.  And then, lots of days, I just really didn’t feel like it.  So I enlisted the help of Nicole, a trainer at the gym who coaches people through triathalon training.  Even though I don’t need the biking or swimming portion, I still figured she could help me with my running.  Yesterday, she sent me a plan which consisted of 40 minutes on Friday, 55 on Saturday, and another 40 on Sunday.  This, I must fit around Petty, parties, and the summer heat.  In the tiny slot of time between work and tailgating, I managed to fit in Friday’s run, cursing her the entire way of course, as I slogged through the muggy, humid air, the sun so mericiless that hours later sweat still dripped down our backs as we simply stood around drinking beer in the lot.  This is where the real miracle happened, because amidst crowds of partying people, I demurely sipped my Fresca, an action that received much scorn and questioning, most likely because my nickname is Boozeanne, and everyone knows I’m always down for a party.  But, I had a 4 mile race this morning at 7:30 so I knew I needed to stay clear headed and hydrated in order to make it through.  It’s weird that in order to accomplish something I really want to do, I have to do so much that I don’t want to do.

Ahh, residence number 16.  How sweet it is.  I had a momentary flash of doubt when exhausted from moving millions of boxes, I flopped down on the floor of my new bedroom and stared at yet another ceiling I would soon grow to know as home.  Is all this change productive or am I still just running, running, running to find something outside of myself?  Perhaps I’m being just a tad melodramatic as I probably should explain that residence number 16 is literally next door to residence number 15.  It’s not like I moved across the country this time.  But still.  Nothing in my life seems solid right now, everything is shifting, moving, underneath my feet.  I’d love to be the person who grew up in one house for 18 years, and my parents still live there.  I’d love to be the person who is still friends with someone who was in my kindergarten class.  I’d love to feel that solid connection to something, anything.  But it would have been a different kind of life, and I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, on the back deck, birds chirping, knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I’ve had to work a little harder to find my place in life, because it wasn’t mapped out for me, but what would have been the fun in that?

I just hung up the phone, and felt a strange sense of normalacy descend upon me.  I can’t explain where it came from.  Maybe it’s the full nights of sleep I’m getting.  Maybe it’s the fact I’m about to be down to one job.  Yea!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe it’s the fact that I actually had words come to me for this blog that were not forced.  In the beginning, I couldn’t keep myself away from the computer.  Thoughts flowed into words that could not be contained, my fingers typing furiously to keep pace.  Then, the drought. Nothing happened with my job.  Nothing happened in any other capacity either because the only thing I had time for was sleep and work, and I really didn’t have enough time for sleep.  Thoughts and dreams were a luxury I couldn’t afford.  And when I sat Jea down and told him the opportunity cost of my current situation was too great, this is what I meant.  To be a whole person, I need a sense of self that encompasses more than just my job.  I mean, I didn’t even have time to work out.  Seems ironic since I got into this whole thing because of how much I loved working out.  And this blog is a documentation of where I’ve been and where I’m going.  If there is nothing happening in this blog, then there is nothing happening in the journey.  Because as long as there is a journey, there will be words. 

I just read a fun new blog http://www.ihategreenbeans.com/ and it made me depressed that I haven’t been keeping up with this thing lately.  Unfortunately, NOTHING has been happening with anything mind/body related.  I am currently stuck watching the front desk of the gym for 8 hours a day.  Let me tell you, it would not make for interesting blog material.  And in fact, it may be hurting my ability to post anything clever, witty, or inspiring since I can literally feel my mental capacity diminishing as we speak.  Pretty soon, I’ll turn into a robot, capable of the two following phrases only: “Good Morning, How are you today?” and “Bye, Have a great afternoon!”  both accompanied by the widest, happiest permagrin ever.  I think I’m accelerating the wrinkle process.  Maybe I can get Jea to cover my botox.  I just have to keep telling myself that I’m probably the highest paid front-desk girl in all of NC and if that’s how he wants me to spend my time, then I guess I can’t complain.  Besides, once the sale of the gym is final, I will probably so busy that I will long for days of sitting up front and doing nothing.  Or at least that’s what I tell myself.  To all my desk job readers, please send me interesting links to help me pass the time!